Sexual Frustration: What It Is, What the Studies Show and What Helps

Sexual Frustration: What It Is, What the Studies Show and What Helps

Sexual frustration is the gap between the sex you want and the sex you are having. It is a feeling, and there is no diagnosis attached to it. The gap itself is common. In a British national survey of 14,623 people, 15.9% of men and 22.2% of women had no sex in the past year, and among those who had been sexually active before, 34.8% of men and 23.6% of women were dissatisfied with their sex lives. In 1,054 married couples in the United States, a bigger gap between wanted and actual frequency went with lower satisfaction and more conflict.

Key takeaways
  • In Britain, 14,623 people aged 16 to 74 were surveyed in 2010 to 2012. 15.9% of men and 22.2% of women had no sex in the past year. Among people with sexual experience who were inactive, 34.8% of men (293 of 842) and 23.6% of women (319 of 1,349) were dissatisfied with their sex lives. One country, one moment in time, all self-report.
  • In the United States, men aged 18 to 24 reporting no sex in the past year rose from 18.9% in 2000 to 2002 to 30.9% in 2016 to 2018 (adjusted odds for the trend 1.20, 95% CI 1.04 to 1.39). Women of that age went from 15.1% to 19.1% (adjusted odds 1.03, 95% CI 0.89 to 1.18), an interval that crosses 1.
  • In 1,054 married couples, a bigger gap between desired and actual frequency went with lower relationship satisfaction and stability and more reported conflict. One moment in time, married couples only, online survey.
  • Across 17,744 US adults surveyed from 1988 to 2002, 15.2% of men and 26.7% of women had no sex in the past year, and after adjustment sexless adults reported very similar happiness to sexually active ones.
  • In a study of 229 people in long-term relationships, people named 17 ways of handling a desire mismatch, sorted into five groups. Strategies done with a partner went with higher sexual and relationship satisfaction than strategies done alone. Those are associations, and nobody tested an intervention.
34.8%
of sexually experienced men with no sex in the past year were dissatisfied with their sex lives, 293 of 842, Britain, Ueda and Mercer 2019.
30.9%
of US men aged 18 to 24 reported no sex in the past year in 2016 to 2018, up from 18.9%, Ueda et al. 2020.
17
strategies people use when desire is mismatched, named by 229 people in long-term relationships, Vowels and Mark 2020.

Figures from Ueda and Mercer 2019 (PMID 31662376), Ueda et al. 2020 (PMID 32530470) and Vowels and Mark 2020 (PMID 32034534). All three are self-report surveys.

A gap, with no diagnosis attached

You search the phrase and the first page hands you a list of signs: irritable, short-tempered, picking fights. No study named on this page defines a clinical version of sexual frustration. The research measures a gap. It asks how often you want sex, how often you have sex, and how you read the difference between the two. A Finnish population sample of men and women aged 33 to 43 asked people what they wanted more of, and both men and women named kissing and petting, sexual fantasies, oral sex and intercourse. That study defined sexual satisfaction as no discrepancy between desired and actual frequency, and its link to relationship satisfaction showed up in both men and women. The sample size is not printed, and one country's answers are one country's answers.

So the partner who wants more is a normal finding in this research, and so is the partner who wants less. Our piece on how common mismatched libido is covers the survey numbers, and responsive and spontaneous desire covers why two people in one bed can run on two clocks.

How many people are going without

Britain has the cleanest numbers. Ueda and Mercer (2019) analysed a national probability survey of 14,623 people aged 16 to 74, fielded in 2010 to 2012. Inactive meant no oral, vaginal or anal sex in the past year, and 15.9% of men and 22.2% of women met it (p under 0.001). Among inactive men, 26.3% had never had sex at all (304 of 1,155), against 16.3% of inactive women (268 of 1,646). 49.8% of inactive women were single (820 of 1,646), against 40.4% of inactive men (467 of 1,155). Going without describes several different lives. Among people with sexual experience who were inactive, 34.8% of men (293 of 842) and 23.6% of women (319 of 1,349) were dissatisfied with their sex lives. Every figure there is self-report, in one country, at one point in time, with the categories built from relationship status.

The United States looks similar. Kim and colleagues (2017) pooled 17,744 US adults surveyed from 1988 to 2002: 15.2% of men and 26.7% of women reported no sex in the past year, and 8.7% of men and 17.5% of women reported none for 5 years or more. Once marital status was in the model, sexlessness showed no significant time trend.

The generational change sits in young men. Ueda and colleagues (2020) ran 10 rounds of the General Social Survey, 2000 to 2018. Men aged 18 to 24 reporting no sex in the past year rose from 18.9% in 2000 to 2002 to 30.9% in 2016 to 2018 (adjusted odds for the trend 1.20, 95% CI 1.04 to 1.39). Women of that age went from 15.1% to 19.1%, and the interval on their trend (95% CI 0.89 to 1.18) crosses 1. At ages 25 to 34 the rise was smaller, 7.0% to 14.1% in men and 7.0% to 12.6% in women, with no increase at 35 to 44. Weekly sex or more fell inside marriage too, from 71.1% to 57.7% for married men and 69.1% to 60.9% for married women.

Twenge and colleagues (2017), on 26,620 US adults from 1989 to 2014, put it as a count: about nine fewer times a year in the early 2010s than in the late 1990s. The decline sat among people who were married or living together and stayed steady among the unpartnered. Age swamps the trend, with adults in their 20s near 80 times a year against about 20 times a year in their 60s.

France moves the same way with a different shape. Bajos and colleagues (2026) ran three national surveys, in 1992, 2006 and 2023. Among single respondents, sexual activity in the past year and intercourse frequency in the last 4 weeks fell after the 2000s, while solo sex rose, especially among women.

One limit runs through all of it. None of these surveys asked who wanted more.

No sex in the past year, ages 18 to 24

Share of US adults aged 18 to 24 reporting no sexual activity in the past year, General Social Survey. The trend is significant for men and the women's interval crosses 1.

No sex in the past year, ages 18 to 24 Four bars from the US General Social Survey, comparing 2000 to 2002 with 2016 to 2018. Men aged 18 to 24 reporting no sexual activity in the past year rose from 18.9% to 30.9%, a significant trend (adjusted odds for trend 1.20, 95% CI 1.04 to 1.39). Women aged 18 to 24 went from 15.1% to 19.1% (adjusted odds for trend 1.03, 95% CI 0.89 to 1.18), an interval that crosses 1. Vertical axis runs from 0 to 40 percent. Men 2000 to 2002 Men 2016 to 2018 Women 2000 to 2002 Women 2016 to 2018 40% 30% 20% 10% 0% No sex in the past year (%) 18.9% 30.9% 15.1% 19.1% 2000 to 2002 2016 to 2018 2000 to 2002 2016 to 2018 Men 18 to 24 Women 18 to 24

Source: Ueda P et al. 2020 (PMID 32530470). Self-report, one survey question. One author disclosed fees from consumer and sexual-wellness companies outside this work.

Our page on how often couples have sex by age breaks the frequency counts down by age band.

Inside a couple, the gap is what hurts

The raw count matters less than the difference. Willoughby and colleagues (2014) surveyed 1,054 married couples in the United States on desire discrepancy, the gap between a person's desired sexual frequency and their actual frequency. A bigger personal gap went with lower reported relationship satisfaction and stability and more reported couple conflict, after controls for background factors, baseline frequency and desire, and the couple's overall desire discrepancy. Partner effects appeared and pointed the same way. Length of marriage did not change the pattern, and the negative link with communication was particularly strong when the husband reported a large gap. Cross-sectional, self-report, an online survey of married couples only.

Davies and colleagues (1999), on 72 dating couples, found that a desire gap reached general relationship satisfaction entirely through sexual satisfaction, for men and women alike. In 255 new-parent couples (Rosen and colleagues, 2018), a mismatch went with lower sexual satisfaction for both partners with no link to relationship satisfaction, and parents were less satisfied when the mother was the higher-desire partner. Attaky and colleagues (2022), on 100 couples in Saudi Arabia, found both partners doing better when they matched at higher desire; that is one cultural setting. Willoughby and Vitas (2012), on 8,096 dating couples, found the associations ran in both directions and depended on gender and relationship length.

Desire also moves on its own schedule. Vowels and colleagues (2018) had 133 couples report their desire every day for 30 days and found fluctuations at rates including once and twice a month, with partners largely in sync. The authors write that discrepancy arising from those fluctuations may be normal in a relationship.

Our pages on when your partner stops asking, how constant rejection wears desire down and why sex drive comes and goes each take one thread.

Does it make people angry or unwell?

The internet says a frustrated man becomes a dangerous man. One large study finds a real association and very little explanation. Bègue and colleagues (2026) surveyed 54,437 French higher-education students on self-reported sexual frustration and self-reported perpetration of sexual assault against persons of the opposite sex, and the association held after accounting for hostility towards the opposite sex. Among men, frustration went with higher odds of self-reported attempted assault (OR 1.46) and completed assault (OR 1.53). Among women the odds were 1.49 for attempted and 1.94 for completed. The association shows up in women as well as men, and the authors state that predicting which individuals did this requires knowing far more than their level of frustration. Self-report, one moment in time, students in one country, and no confidence intervals printed.

The rest of the evidence points away from the dramatic story. Sallee and Casciani (1976) gave questionnaires to 48 college students and found that frustration scores tracked lower purpose-in-life scores while sex drive scores did not; 48 students, correlations, a 1976 college sample. Kim and colleagues (2017) found sexless adults reporting happiness very similar to sexually active adults once sociodemographic factors were adjusted. Cao and colleagues (2020) reported an adjusted hazard ratio for death from any cause of 0.51 (95% CI 0.34 to 0.76) for people having sex 52 or more times a year against 0 to 1 time a year, from 228 deaths. Healthier people have more sex, so cause cannot be read off that number.

What people do about it

Vowels and Mark (2020) asked 229 people in long-term relationships what they actually do when their wanting and their partner's wanting do not line up. The analysis produced 17 strategies in five groups: disengagement, communication, engagement in activity alone, engagement in other activity with the partner, and have sex anyway. Partnered strategies went with higher sexual and relationship satisfaction than individual strategies. People who said their strategy was very helpful reported higher satisfaction than those who found it somewhat helpful, followed by not at all helpful. None of the strategies was associated with desire itself. The data are cross-sectional self-report, so these are associations and no direction of cause is available.

Arenella and colleagues (2024) interviewed 26 partners in relationships where the desire gap was distressing. Four themes ran across the course of those relationships: sexual and relationship satisfaction, changes in sexual frequency, desire and behaviour, changes in barriers to sex, and coping with the discrepancy.

Santtila and colleagues (2008), in a Finnish sample aged 33 to 43, found that higher desired and actual frequency of solo sex went with lower relationship satisfaction in both sexes. That is an association, and the direction of cause is unknown.

One honest note: no trial in this set tested a fix for frustration. These are the things that tracked with couples doing better.

What each study measured, and what it says about the gap.
Study Who Finding Caveat
Ueda and Mercer 2019 14,623 people in Britain, aged 16 to 74 15.9% of men and 22.2% of women had no sex in the past year; 34.8% of the experienced men in that group were unhappy about it Cross-sectional, self-report, one country
Ueda 2020 US adults aged 18 to 44, ten survey rounds 2000 to 2018 Men aged 18 to 24 with no sex rose from 18.9% to 30.9% Self-report, one question per measure
Twenge 2017 26,620 US adults, 1989 to 2014 About nine fewer times a year in the early 2010s Frequency counts only, no wanted frequency
Kim 2017 17,744 US adults Sexless adults reported very similar happiness after adjustment 1988 to 2002 data, no desire measure
Willoughby 2014 1,054 married couples A bigger wanted-versus-actual gap went with lower satisfaction and more conflict Cross-sectional, married couples only
Vowels 2018 133 couples, daily diaries Desire cycles and partners mostly sync 30 days only, non-clinical sample
Vowels and Mark 2020 229 people in long-term relationships Partnered strategies went with higher satisfaction Associations, no intervention tested
Bègue 2026 54,437 students in France Odds ratios of 1.46 to 1.94 for self-reported assault Explains little, by the authors' own account

What actually helps, graded honestly

Name the gap as a gap. In these studies satisfaction tracked the difference between wanted and actual frequency. Willoughby and colleagues (2014), in 1,054 married couples, found bigger personal gaps went with lower satisfaction and more reported conflict. Davies and colleagues (1999), in 72 dating couples, found the link between a desire gap and relationship satisfaction ran through sexual satisfaction. The first move is saying out loud, in numbers, what each of you wants.

Do something together about it. Of the 17 strategies Vowels and Mark (2020) catalogued, the partnered ones carried higher sexual and relationship satisfaction, and the strategies rated very helpful carried the most. Our guide to how to talk to your partner about low libido covers the conversation, and the duty sex cycle covers the strategy of having sex anyway, which sits in that list for a reason.

Expect cycles. Vowels and colleagues (2018) followed 133 couples for 30 days and found desire moving at rates of about once and twice a month, with partners largely in sync. Three flat days is too short a window to judge a relationship.

Look at what changed around the sex. Arenella and colleagues (2024) found partners talking about barriers to sex shifting over time, and Lee and colleagues (2016), in 6,201 adults aged 50 and over in England, found disagreements about initiating sex and feeling obligated to have sex went with greater dissatisfaction.

If you are single, take the honest comfort: Kim and colleagues (2017) found sexless Americans reported happiness very similar to sexually active Americans once background factors were adjusted. A dry stretch is common, and can a dead bedroom be fixed walks through the couple version.

If you are the one who wants more

You are carrying the discomfort, so the first move usually falls to you. Five things, in the order that makes the conversation easier.

  1. Say the number you would like, then ask for theirs. Willoughby and colleagues (2014) measured exactly this gap, desired frequency against actual frequency, in 1,054 couples, and the size of that gap tracked satisfaction.
  2. Ask what has changed for them lately. Arenella and colleagues (2024) found change was the theme running through 26 interviews: change in frequency, in desire, in behaviour, and in the barriers around sex.
  3. Pick something physical you both still want. Santtila and colleagues (2008) found both men and women wanted more kissing and touching along with more intercourse, so the appetite is rarely aimed at one act only.
  4. Give a pattern a month before judging it. Vowels and colleagues (2018) tracked 133 couples daily and found desire cycles running around once and twice a month.
  5. Keep solo sex as your own business, and keep it from replacing the conversation. Santtila and colleagues (2008) found higher desired and actual frequency of solo sex went with lower relationship satisfaction, an association with an unknown direction of cause.

The everyday levers, and where a botanical fits

Start with who this section is not for. Heart problems, kidney problems, lung problems and blood-pressure medication are all common, and they are what NUUD's own label names: avoid use if you are on blood pressure medication, have cardiovascular, renal, or pulmonary conditions, or if you are sensitive to any of the ingredients. If that sentence describes you, it is the answer. Talk to your doctor first and bring the label.

The free levers do more work than the internet admits, and they come first.

  • Sleep, in quantity and quality. Sleep, libido and testosterone covers how tightly the two move together.
  • Carrying less stress load. Stress, cortisol and sex drive covers the mechanism.
  • Time together with nothing expected at the end.
  • An honest conversation about frequency, with real numbers from both people, since the gap between wanted and actual is what tracked satisfaction.
  • A botanical supplement, if you want one, as the smallest lever on this list.

NUUD is a botanical supplement built around desire in general. It does nothing to a partner who has not chosen to take it. It closes no gap by itself, no study has tested this formula in mismatched couples, and it has no role in managing any medical condition. The formula is anchored by the NUUD Mushroom Complex™, with Muira Puama, Boiled Rehmannia Root, Tribulus Terrestris, and Piper Nigrum for absorption, on a timeline of roughly 30 to 60 minutes. If you take blood-pressure medication or have a heart, kidney or lung condition, the label says no, and your doctor decides the rest. If you are the partner whose wanting went quiet and you want to want it again, that is what our women's libido gummies are for. There is a men's version.

Nothing is wrong with you

Two answers circulate online and both are useless. One says you are needy. The other says your partner is broken. The surveys describe something flatter and kinder. In Britain, 15.9% of men and 22.2% of women went a year with no sex, and among the men with sexual experience in that group, 34.8% were unhappy about their sex lives. Desire moves on cycles measured in weeks, so one flat month is a phase inside a rhythm. Couples who did something together about the mismatch reported better sex lives and better relationships. Wanting more is ordinary. Wanting less is ordinary too, and the person who wants less is not the problem to be solved. Feeling like roommates is a place a lot of people pass through on the way back to wanting each other.

Keep reading

Frequently asked questions

What is sexual frustration?
It is the gap between the sex you want and the sex you are having. It is a feeling, and no diagnostic manual lists it. Willoughby and colleagues (2014) measured it in 1,054 married couples as desired sexual frequency against actual sexual frequency, and the couples reporting a bigger gap also reported lower relationship satisfaction and more conflict. That study is cross-sectional and self-reported, so it shows a pattern in the answers, and no direction of cause.

How common is sexual frustration?
Common enough that you are in a crowd. Ueda and Mercer (2019) surveyed 14,623 people in Britain and found 15.9% of men and 22.2% of women had no sex in the past year. Among those who had sexual experience and were inactive, 34.8% of men and 23.6% of women said they were unhappy about their sex lives. Ueda and colleagues (2020) found 30.9% of US men aged 18 to 24 reported no sex in the past year in the 2016 to 2018 rounds. Both are self-report surveys.

Can sexual frustration affect your mood?
There is thin evidence that it can. Sallee and Casciani (1976) studied 48 college students and found sexual frustration scores moved against Purpose in Life scores, meaning higher frustration went with a lower reported sense of purpose. That is 48 students in 1976 and a correlation. In a far larger dataset, Kim and colleagues (2017) found sexless adults reported happiness very similar to sexually active adults after adjustment for background factors. Inside couples, Willoughby and colleagues (2014) found bigger gaps went with more reported conflict.

How do couples deal with sexual frustration?
Mostly by working on it together. Vowels and Mark (2020) asked 229 people in long-term relationships what they do and found 17 strategies in five groups: disengagement, communication, doing an activity alone, doing another activity with the partner, and having sex anyway. Partnered strategies went with higher sexual and relationship satisfaction, and strategies rated very helpful went with the highest. Vowels and colleagues (2018) also found desire moves in cycles over weeks, so a flat stretch is part of the rhythm.

Can a botanical supplement fix sexual frustration?
No. Frustration is a gap between two people, or between wanting and opportunity, and one person taking a supplement does not close a gap with two ends. NUUD is built around the desire of the person who takes it, and no study has tested this formula in couples with a desire gap. The label caution is real: avoid use if you are on blood pressure medication, have cardiovascular, renal, or pulmonary conditions, or if you are sensitive to any of the ingredients. Ask your doctor first.

References

  1. Ueda P, Mercer CH. Prevalence and types of sexual inactivity in Britain: analyses of national cross-sectional probability survey data. BMJ open. 2019;9(10):e030708. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31662376/
  2. Willoughby BJ, Farero AM, Busby DM. Exploring the effects of sexual desire discrepancy among married couples. Archives of sexual behavior. 2014;43(3):551-62. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24045904/
  3. Sallee DT, Casciani JM. Relationship between sex drive and sexual frustration and purpose in life. Journal of clinical psychology. 1976;32(2):273-5. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/1262489/
  4. Bègue L, Lankford A, Vezirian K. Sexual Frustration and Sexual Assault Among Higher Education Students in France. Archives of sexual behavior. 2026;55(3):1227-1238. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/41986780/
  5. Willoughby BJ, Vitas J. Sexual desire discrepancy: the effect of individual differences in desired and actual sexual frequency on dating couples. Archives of sexual behavior. 2012;41(2):477-86. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21573707/
  6. Kim JH, Tam WS, Muennig P. Sociodemographic Correlates of Sexlessness Among American Adults and Associations with Self-Reported Happiness Levels: Evidence from the U.S. General Social Survey. Archives of sexual behavior. 2017;46(8):2403-2415. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28275930/
  7. Haydon AA, Cheng MM, Herring AH, McRee AL, Halpern CT. Prevalence and predictors of sexual inexperience in adulthood. Archives of sexual behavior. 2014;43(2):221-30. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23900992/
  8. Ueda P, Mercer CH, Ghaznavi C, Herbenick D. Trends in Frequency of Sexual Activity and Number of Sexual Partners Among Adults Aged 18 to 44 Years in the US, 2000-2018. JAMA network open. 2020;3(6):e203833. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32530470/
  9. Twenge JM, Sherman RA, Wells BE. Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, 1989-2014. Archives of sexual behavior. 2017;46(8):2389-2401. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28265779/
  10. Karraker A, Delamater J, Schwartz CR. Sexual frequency decline from midlife to later life. The journals of gerontology. Series B, Psychological sciences and social sciences. 2011;66(4):502-12. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21666143/
  11. Cao C, Yang L, Xu T, et al. Trends in Sexual Activity and Associations With All-Cause and Cause-Specific Mortality Among US Adults. The journal of sexual medicine. 2020;17(10):1903-1913. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32665214/
  12. Arenella K, Girard A, Connor J. Desire discrepancy in long-term relationships: A qualitative study with diverse couples. Family process. 2024;63(3):1201-1216. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38234271/
  13. Attaky A, Kok G, Dewitte M. Attachment Orientation Moderates the Sexual and Relational Implications of Sexual Desire Discrepancies. Journal of sex & marital therapy. 2022;48(4):343-362. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34665076/
  14. Vowels MJ, Mark KP, Vowels LM, Wood ND. Using spectral and cross-spectral analysis to identify patterns and synchrony in couples' sexual desire. PloS one. 2018;13(10):e0205330. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30332440/
  15. Rosen NO, Bailey K, Muise A. Degree and Direction of Sexual Desire Discrepancy are Linked to Sexual and Relationship Satisfaction in Couples Transitioning to Parenthood. Journal of sex research. 2018;55(2):214-225. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28524698/
  16. Lee DM, Nazroo J, O'Connor DB, Blake M, Pendleton N. Sexual Health and Well-being Among Older Men and Women in England: Findings from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing. Archives of sexual behavior. 2016;45(1):133-44. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25624001/
  17. Laumann EO, Paik A, Glasser DB, et al. A cross-national study of subjective sexual well-being among older women and men: findings from the Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors. Archives of sexual behavior. 2006;35(2):145-61. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16752118/
  18. Santtila P, Wager I, Witting K, et al. Discrepancies between sexual desire and sexual activity: gender differences and associations with relationship satisfaction. Journal of sex & marital therapy. 2008;34(1):31-44. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18396727/
  19. Bajos N, Bozon M, Bellamine R, Andro A. Historical Trends in Sexual Activity and Sexual Health in France (1992-2023): A Gendered Perspective. Perspectives on sexual and reproductive health. 2026;58(3):258-269. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/42657504/
  20. Davies S, Katz J, Jackson JL. Sexual desire discrepancies: effects on sexual and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual dating couples. Archives of sexual behavior. 1999;28(6):553-67. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10650441/
  21. Vowels LM, Mark KP. Strategies for Mitigating Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships. Archives of sexual behavior. 2020;49(3):1017-1028. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32034534/

This article is for general education and is not medical or relationship advice. Persistent distress about sex or a relationship deserves a conversation with a licensed clinician or therapist. NUUD is a botanical supplement and has no role in diagnosing, treating, curing, or preventing any disease, and these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Talk with your doctor before starting any new supplement.

Back to blog